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Sexy at Any Age: What Makes Someone Appealing and Desirable?
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If you've walked through a department store lately, you've been hit smack in the face with what advertisers tell you is sexy: Photographs of impossibly perfect models line the walls, their faces perfect, with cheekbones carved like Canadian glaciers and eyes that sparkle like the lights of Times Square. These objects, Madison Avenue teaches us, are what defines sexy. This is who you want to be, right?
Maybe not. What I have found in my work as a clinical psychologist is that what men and women sexually respond to the most aren't modelesque attributes. In fact, I have found one common denominator that turns both men and women on in others: frankly, my dear, they don't give a damn. This may sound nonsensical or even contrarian, but I'm afraid it's true.
If you take an informal poll of friends, everyone will probably come up with one word, the building block largely believed to come in a close second to physical attractiveness in the race to sexy: confidence. Yet when we take a closer look at the confidence the so-called sexy wear like a tight-fitting angora sweater, what people find sexy is more than confidence.
It's actually a naturalness that rides along with the confidence, a lack of artifice or efforts to try to be sexy. Those individuals others find sexy don't seem to care if you or anyone think they're sexy - it's like an afterthought or an inadvertent consequence. No, confidence isn't the secret ingredient, because many men and women are confident but others don't necessarily want to slip in the sack with them.
The ultimate secret behind ‘sexy' is being happy enough with yourself that don't seek the approval - or sexual attraction - of anyone. In other words, others can tell that you don't need it and, as a has-been celebrity used to say, "that's hot."
It's the oldest cliché in the book, but one that remains due to its truthfulness: Some of the world's most beautiful people are some of the world's most insecure. Though these individuals may, at first, bear all the signs of sexiness, getting to know them can quickly diminish the sexual intensity you had for them. And that's the point: what's sexy is actually the personality wrapped in an attractive-enough face and body!
The next time you cross paths with someone who awakens those sexual feelings in you, consider for a moment what it is. I think, if you boil it all down, you'll find that what's sexy is more than physical attraction and confidence.
Feel free to explore my book on dysfunctional relationships, Overcome Relationship Repetition Syndrome and Find the Love You Deserve
3 Types if Lies People Tell & Lies People Tell Themselves Can Be Worse
Check out Dr. Seth's full podcast INSIGHT with Dr. Seth -- Dr. Seth Meyers, Los Angeles psychologist (Apple Podcasts, Spotify, YouTube)
Follow Dr. Seth here: Instagram https://www.instagram.com/insightdrsethpodcast X https://x.com/DrSethMeyers Facebook https://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=61565512106144Relationship Repetition Syndrome & Your Toxic Relationship Pattern
Written by Seth Meyers, Psy.D.
Also check out Dr. Seth's full podcast INSIGHT with Dr. Seth -- Dr. Seth Meyers, Los Angeles psychologist (Apple Podcasts, Spotify, YouTube) Follow Dr. Seth here: Instagram https://www.instagram.com/insightdrsethpodcast X https://x.com/DrSethMeyers Facebook https://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=61565512106144
One of the most common problems I see in my practice is that people's romantic relationships so often fail because they are stuck repeating toxic relationship patterns. In other words, they seek out the same types of romantic partners again and again, even when those partners all exhibit the same traits that have doomed their relationships in the past. Take the quiz below to see whether you harbor this tendency, which I have termed "Relationship Repetition Syndrome" (RRS).
Answer the questions below with a simple "yes" or "no."
1. Do you feel like you are only sexually attracted to partners who are bad for you?
2. Have you found yourself in a relationship with someone who does the same kinds of things your last significant other did that hurt or bothered you?
3. Do your friends and families comment on your choosing the wrong partners and ask why you don't settle down with the right person?
4. Do your relationships tend to last a certain amount of time and then end after the same approximate length of time? For example, perhaps you've never made it past the one-year hurdle?
5. Have you ever fallen for someone by simply looking at or watching him or her, or decided you want to be with the person within the first few minutes of meeting?
6. If you're currently in a relationship, do you find yourself feeling the same kinds of negative feelings you felt in your last relationship, precipitated by the same kinds of situations?
7. Do you blame yourself or your partners for why things went wrong?
8. Do you sometimes feel like you lose yourself in your relationships?
9. Do you feel like you are cursed to have bad relationships and will never find ‘The One?'
If you answered "yes" to three or more of the questions above, you suffer from RRS. If you answered "yes" to two of the questions above, you suffer from some of the symptoms of RRS.
If your answers tell you that you are what I call a Relationship Repeater, fear not! I wrote a whole book about how to overcome it, called Dr. Seth's Love Prescription: Overcome Relationship Repetition Syndrome and Find the Love You Deserve. Trust me, I try to make the process as fun as possible, and there might even be an exercise in it that asks you to try to figure out which Golden Girls character is most like you.
Seriously, though, there is help for you if you feel like you are stuck repeating the same old patterns and are ending up single and frustrated, again and again.
Feel free to explore my book on dysfunctional relationships, Overcome Relationship Repetition Syndrome and Find the Love You Deserve
Friday, May 16, 2025
Fred and Rose West Did They Think They Would Get Caught?
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Estranged From Your Parents Or Siblings: An Overview
Written by Seth Meyers, Psy.D.
Also check out Dr. Seth's full podcast INSIGHT with Dr. Seth -- Dr. Seth Meyers, Los Angeles psychologist (Apple Podcasts, Spotify, YouTube) Follow Dr. Seth here: Instagram https://www.instagram.com/insightdrsethpodcast X https://x.com/DrSethMeyers Facebook https://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=61565512106144
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Sometimes families become so dysfunctional that a family member decides that he can’t stay connected any longer to a specific person in the family or, in some cases, the entire family. Typically people who estrange themselves from family tend to be over the age of 18 years, because that is the point when they begin to reach adulthood and have more independence. I have counseled clients through the estrangement process, and have also seen clients who have come to see me after the estrangement has already been established.
The Psychology of Splitting from Your Family of Origin
Estrangements from family are one of the most psychologically painful experiences anyone could experience. It almost goes without saying that estranging yourself from family is absolutely counterintuitive: Who, after all, would think to terminate a relationship with someone who raised you? Sadly, the answer is that it’s typically only people who have been neglected, abused, or exploited in some way who would pursue such a tumultuous split.
Adding more stress to the already-stressful mix, society tends to project harsh judgment on people who reject their family – even as disturbed as some families can be. As a therapist who, by profession, must work to find the empathy for anyone who comes for treatment, it is hard to swallow the fact that some men and women can be so judgmental about others’ experience – especially when they have no real idea about how bad things may have been in the estranger’s family!
Overall, Agllias (2013) explains that family estrangement is often experienced as a considerable loss; its ambiguous nature and social disenfranchisement can contribute to significant grief responses, perceived stigma, and social isolation in some cases. In researching for this article, I found how little research actually exists on this topic, and that lack is due largely to the stigma associated with estrangement: Most people don’t want to talk openly about why they estranged themselves from family for fear of judgment.
How to Conduct a Family Estrangement Most Effectively and Least Painfully
If you’re considering estranging yourself from family, never initiate a full-blown estrangement without first trying an approach of measured contact.
To try measured contact, decide the exact frequency of contact you would like to try with the family (e.g., once every two weeks, once every month). Next, decide the type of communication you are comfortable with (e.g., in person visit, telephone call, email, text). After that, decide the length of time you are willing to try out the new plan of measured contact before determining if another more extreme approach is necessary (e.g., three months, six months). Once you have set the amount of time, put the date on your calendar so that you can have some mental organization when dealing with this emotional struggle. Write down the specific reasons why you need to try measured contact and keep those reasons in an organized place where you can refer to them regularly (e.g., in your purse, in your journal, or inside your nightstand). During this process, you may start to feel anxious or guilty, so you will need to refer back to your reasons on a regular basis to stay focused and avoid emotional reasoning (which could pull you back into your dysfunctional family).
If you determine after your period of measured contact that you need to stop talking to your family altogether, explain to your family that you need to take a break from talking — but still do not pursue full-blown estrangement. Try writing a letter or calling your family members to say that you want to take a break, and tell them clearly the amount of time you are taking (e.g., another three months, six months). Explain that you feel that taking some time apart could be helpful for you and them to take some time to figure out how to navigate the relationship better, and explain, “Because I do want to get along with you and I do hope we can have a better relationship in the future.
Estrangements are messy and emotional for all parties involved. If you can avoid an estrangement and find a way to improve the relationship dynamics with measured contact, that may cause you less stress in the long run. If your family lives nearby, it is worth asking your family members if they would consider going for a couple of sessions to talk to a therapist. Another option, if your family lives far away, is that you contact a therapist where you or your family lives and someone travels to see the other and have a long therapy session to discuss the issues.
Finally, taking good care of your physical and mental health is never more important than during a period of estrangement. Cortisol levels go through the roof when people get stressed, and nothing adds stress like the anxiety and guilt that so frequently come with major family conflicts. Make sure you cultivate a good support system that can be available to you when you feel lonely.
Feel free to explore my book on dysfunctional relationships, Overcome Relationship Repetition Syndrome and Find the Love You Deserve.
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