When was the last time you called your grandparent(s) or your oldest living relative?
Recently I learned that one of my grandmothers was the almost-victim of a malicious telephone scam. This popular scam involves someone calling random elderly women and asking them to wire money to their supposed grandson, with the perpetrator pretending to be that grandson. Fortunately, my grandmother was suspicious and relayed the events to my uncle who came to her rescue.
Hearing about the uncomfortable position my grandmother found herself in, I thought about how sad it is that the elderly find themselves in such vulnerable positions as they age. It caused me to think about my grandmother's life, in general, and whether she feels happy and fulfilled, or perhaps sad and lonely.
I believe that all grandparents really want in their lives is a connection to their younger family - they prize this connection the most as they near the end of their lives. When I think about my grandmother picking up the phone and feeling confused about the circumstances she recently faced, it occurs to me that we should all probably agree to reach out to our grandparents or oldest living relatives a little more frequently.
Sunday, July 12, 2009
Wednesday, July 8, 2009
GUEST BLOGGER: Amanda Kane, LSW
How to Reach Out to a Friend in Pain…
Clients frequently ask me how they should approach a loved one they feel is in distress. The nature of the distress may be emotional, such as depression, or it may be a problem like alcohol or drug abuse. While the specifics of each case are different, the best way to reach out follows similar guidelines.
First, choose a relatively neutral time to share your concerns with the person. I’m not suggesting waiting for the perfect time—it will never come—but choose a moment when neither of you are especially agitated or emotional. Create a quiet environment relatively free of distractions. This will “set the stage” and convey the gravity of your concerns. It will also allow you to focus on the person completely. This in itself is a rather special quality in our busy, modern lives.
Be direct and honest when you address the issue but also be kind. Come from a place of concern. Avoid blaming language such as, “You always…” or “You are…” If you want to reach your friend, then it is best to confront them with examples of their behavior rather than name calling. Even if you are angry, calling someone a name will probably only shut them down. If you need to support your concern with concrete examples then focus on the person's behavior.
Ask the family member or friend how they feel—or how they are doing. This is a simple question which frequently goes unasked. It conveys caring and concern if you ask it like you actually want to hear a real answer, rather than the cursory, “I’m fine.”
Let them know that you want to help. Suggest that you help them find referrals to professionals who deal with their problem. Have a positive attitude about change but acknowledge your friend’s concerns. Even though your friend is suffering, the pain is probably familiar and the suggestion of change may cause them to have a lot of mixed feelings. Try your best to really listen and empathize with their feelings. Feeling “heard” may be the encouragement your friend needs to seek further help.
Clients frequently ask me how they should approach a loved one they feel is in distress. The nature of the distress may be emotional, such as depression, or it may be a problem like alcohol or drug abuse. While the specifics of each case are different, the best way to reach out follows similar guidelines.
First, choose a relatively neutral time to share your concerns with the person. I’m not suggesting waiting for the perfect time—it will never come—but choose a moment when neither of you are especially agitated or emotional. Create a quiet environment relatively free of distractions. This will “set the stage” and convey the gravity of your concerns. It will also allow you to focus on the person completely. This in itself is a rather special quality in our busy, modern lives.
Be direct and honest when you address the issue but also be kind. Come from a place of concern. Avoid blaming language such as, “You always…” or “You are…” If you want to reach your friend, then it is best to confront them with examples of their behavior rather than name calling. Even if you are angry, calling someone a name will probably only shut them down. If you need to support your concern with concrete examples then focus on the person's behavior.
Ask the family member or friend how they feel—or how they are doing. This is a simple question which frequently goes unasked. It conveys caring and concern if you ask it like you actually want to hear a real answer, rather than the cursory, “I’m fine.”
Let them know that you want to help. Suggest that you help them find referrals to professionals who deal with their problem. Have a positive attitude about change but acknowledge your friend’s concerns. Even though your friend is suffering, the pain is probably familiar and the suggestion of change may cause them to have a lot of mixed feelings. Try your best to really listen and empathize with their feelings. Feeling “heard” may be the encouragement your friend needs to seek further help.
Tuesday, July 7, 2009
Celebrity Fascination = Our Own Inner Boredom
The paparazzi would have had a field a day: Right before our eyes, a very public couple reunited after a nasty public split that recently hounded newsstands everywhere. At a fancy Santa Barbara resort this past weekend, my fellow resort-goers and I watched this couple canoodle as they played by the pool and walked entwined down romantic paths. The resort was wild with celebrity gossip.
The scenario caused me to question why any of should care about the private lives of the famous. After all, don’t we have exciting lives of our own? What, in fact, does our voracious appetite for celebrities truly mean about us?
Without question, our love of a celebrity’s downward spiral is understandable enough – social psychology tells us that focusing on anyone down on their luck makes us feel better about our own lives. Yet tabloid readers and those fascinated by the ins-and-outs of celebrity romance aren’t exclusively drawn to the negative. In fact, they often are equally interested in hearing about celebrity events related to marriage, childbirth, and other milestones.
As I consider the issue, I recall something an old clinical mentor of mine once said: Every time you idealize someone else, you necessarily devalue yourself. It’s my belief that one’s interest in and fascination with celebrity life indicate that individual’s own boredom with his or her own life. Though he or she may reject this notion on its surface, somehow celebrity life must seem more interesting – otherwise, people wouldn’t care.
If you are a tabloid reader or one prone to gossip about the lives of celebrities, take a moment to consider the nature of your interest. Give yourself a break and trust that the number of homes or staff a celebrity boasts has little to do with how inherently valuable or interesting that person is independent of all of the external attributes. In the end, despite all the superficially exciting accoutrements, my guess is that the celebrity couple that created so much buzz this past weekend may feel just as inadequate as the tabloid readers who idealize them.
The scenario caused me to question why any of should care about the private lives of the famous. After all, don’t we have exciting lives of our own? What, in fact, does our voracious appetite for celebrities truly mean about us?
Without question, our love of a celebrity’s downward spiral is understandable enough – social psychology tells us that focusing on anyone down on their luck makes us feel better about our own lives. Yet tabloid readers and those fascinated by the ins-and-outs of celebrity romance aren’t exclusively drawn to the negative. In fact, they often are equally interested in hearing about celebrity events related to marriage, childbirth, and other milestones.
As I consider the issue, I recall something an old clinical mentor of mine once said: Every time you idealize someone else, you necessarily devalue yourself. It’s my belief that one’s interest in and fascination with celebrity life indicate that individual’s own boredom with his or her own life. Though he or she may reject this notion on its surface, somehow celebrity life must seem more interesting – otherwise, people wouldn’t care.
If you are a tabloid reader or one prone to gossip about the lives of celebrities, take a moment to consider the nature of your interest. Give yourself a break and trust that the number of homes or staff a celebrity boasts has little to do with how inherently valuable or interesting that person is independent of all of the external attributes. In the end, despite all the superficially exciting accoutrements, my guess is that the celebrity couple that created so much buzz this past weekend may feel just as inadequate as the tabloid readers who idealize them.
Friday, July 3, 2009
Happy Fourth of July Weekend!
Have a safe and happy weekend!
Hopefully you'll have the chance to see some fireworks and spend time with the ones you love most. Enjoy!
Hopefully you'll have the chance to see some fireworks and spend time with the ones you love most. Enjoy!
Wednesday, July 1, 2009
GUEST BLOGGER: Amanda Kane, LSW
Making Sense of Mental Health Credentials...
and Finding a Mental Health Provider
Finding a mental health professional that suits your needs can be a little confusing and tedious. First, people generally don’t seek out mental health services when they are feeling their absolute best. During an emotional crisis, searching for a helping professional is the last thing people feel like doing. Also, insurance companies commonly offer a list of providers in an area who are “in-network,” but these lists frequently fail to give you the specific information that would help you to choose a practitioner. Lists don’t give you a real sense of the real person behind the credentials, and I feel that this is most important quality. Finally, wading through the alphabet soup of credentials can be quite confusing. So, how do you find the right clinician?
Just to clarify, a psychiatrist is a medical doctor who may or may not provide psychotherapy in addition to providing evaluations for psychotropic medication. Psychiatrists attend med school and then specialize in psychiatric issues. Basically, psychiatrists are the only mental health professionals who can prescribe medication, except for some very specialized nurses with prescription privileges.
Psychologists, social workers, and licensed professional counselors, are mental health professionals who fall under the broad category of therapists. If you are interested in talk therapy—and there are many types—you probably want to find a licensed therapist before seeking out a psychiatrist.
The clinician’s education and training determines the letters after their name, but don’t be afraid to ask what abbreviations mean! Any therapist that you actually want to see more than once should be open to explaining these. I get the sense that many people are paralyzed by the taboo against asking their therapist questions, so they don’t feel entitled to ask basic questions about professional qualifications. It is absolutely okay to ask about questions about specialties, years of experience, and training.
The combination of talk therapy in addition to psychiatric medication is generally considered to be more therapeutic than medication alone. If you are interested in medication, then consider discussing this option with a therapist who may be able to refer you to a psychiatrist.
I’m a big believer if word-of-mouth referrals. These may come from other professionals in the field or friends or family who have recommendations. (Just make sure the referral is not too close to home.) Sometimes you can tell from an initial phone call whether you want to pursue a relationship with a particular clinician. I’m not even suggesting that you have a phone session, but recognize that a clinician should call you back within a reasonable amount of time, be polite, flexible, and professional. These basic courtesies give you a sense of the person and begin your evaluation process.
And one last thought—it is okay to “shop around” for a good fit. If you have a session with a psychiatrist or therapist and feel that the two of you are not a match, then consider giving it one more shot and then trying someone else.
Not every relationship is meant to be!
and Finding a Mental Health Provider
Finding a mental health professional that suits your needs can be a little confusing and tedious. First, people generally don’t seek out mental health services when they are feeling their absolute best. During an emotional crisis, searching for a helping professional is the last thing people feel like doing. Also, insurance companies commonly offer a list of providers in an area who are “in-network,” but these lists frequently fail to give you the specific information that would help you to choose a practitioner. Lists don’t give you a real sense of the real person behind the credentials, and I feel that this is most important quality. Finally, wading through the alphabet soup of credentials can be quite confusing. So, how do you find the right clinician?
Just to clarify, a psychiatrist is a medical doctor who may or may not provide psychotherapy in addition to providing evaluations for psychotropic medication. Psychiatrists attend med school and then specialize in psychiatric issues. Basically, psychiatrists are the only mental health professionals who can prescribe medication, except for some very specialized nurses with prescription privileges.
Psychologists, social workers, and licensed professional counselors, are mental health professionals who fall under the broad category of therapists. If you are interested in talk therapy—and there are many types—you probably want to find a licensed therapist before seeking out a psychiatrist.
The clinician’s education and training determines the letters after their name, but don’t be afraid to ask what abbreviations mean! Any therapist that you actually want to see more than once should be open to explaining these. I get the sense that many people are paralyzed by the taboo against asking their therapist questions, so they don’t feel entitled to ask basic questions about professional qualifications. It is absolutely okay to ask about questions about specialties, years of experience, and training.
The combination of talk therapy in addition to psychiatric medication is generally considered to be more therapeutic than medication alone. If you are interested in medication, then consider discussing this option with a therapist who may be able to refer you to a psychiatrist.
I’m a big believer if word-of-mouth referrals. These may come from other professionals in the field or friends or family who have recommendations. (Just make sure the referral is not too close to home.) Sometimes you can tell from an initial phone call whether you want to pursue a relationship with a particular clinician. I’m not even suggesting that you have a phone session, but recognize that a clinician should call you back within a reasonable amount of time, be polite, flexible, and professional. These basic courtesies give you a sense of the person and begin your evaluation process.
And one last thought—it is okay to “shop around” for a good fit. If you have a session with a psychiatrist or therapist and feel that the two of you are not a match, then consider giving it one more shot and then trying someone else.
Not every relationship is meant to be!
Tuesday, June 30, 2009
Dr. Seth: New Psychology Today Blogger
I am excited to report that Psychology Today invited me to start my own blog at their popular website. My blog at that site will be called "Insight is 20/20" and will debut this week.
I will continue to maintain this blog with my regular blogger, Amanda Kane, and will post information soon on the new blog for you to check it out!
I will continue to maintain this blog with my regular blogger, Amanda Kane, and will post information soon on the new blog for you to check it out!
Thursday, June 25, 2009
HOT TOPIC: The Impact of Michael Jackson: Pure or Contaminated Nostalgia?
The death of iconic 50 year old superstar Michael Jackson has elicited a worldwide emotional reaction, as well as the obvious postmortem comparison to the life and death of an icon from another era - Elvis Presley.
The comparison is understandable on the surface and yet betrays any meaningful parallel upon further investigation. When it comes to Elvis Presley, our memory of him is intimately related to our experience with him during his lifetime - first, as a heterosexual sex symbol and later, as the all-to-predictable relic of fame and fortune in his social isolation and drug addiction. As we begin to remember Michael Jackson, our nostalgia is far more complicated.
Though Michael Jackson began his public career in a predictable enough manner - a child star who successfully transitioned into young adult star - his life soon took a drastic turn. Where Elvis was accepted into the public consciousness and valued, in part, because of his sexuality, the sexuality of Michael Jackson was more complex and even disturbing.
A male performer who wears makeup and speaks in a high, effeminate voice is received as bizarre - take Prince, for example - but this presentation does not necessarily cross into disturbing territory. When Michael Jackson's questionable sexuality appeared to go beyond makeup and effeminacy into the realm of alleged assaults on children, everything changed. Though he was never convicted of any sexual abuse charges against him, guilt by association forever haunted him.
The ultimate effect of his acquittal in the sexual abuse cases was to usher in greater doubt about his guilt - if fans really wanted to like him and admire his genius, the acquittals allowed some room for doubt about what really happened. In other words, we didn't have to feel as conflicted about liking him once he was let off the hook.
I heard a woman today report how sad she felt about his death, but I am convinced that many other mourners feel more torn than that. Yes, it is tragic when anyone dies of unnatural causes and does so prematurely, but don't his death and presence plastered all over the media recall the more disturbing images and events of the various sexual allegations and the trials that covered them? Without these allegations and trials, wouldn't our feelings of grief for him be more pure?
On a psychological level, the only comparison we can make about the lives and deaths of Michael Jackson and Elvis Presley relates to the twisted and depersonalizing impact enormous fame can have on a human being. Yet once we begin to switch our focus from their lives to our reactions to their deaths, we see the final difference. In the end, our conflicted feelings remind us of the difference between pure and contaminated nostalgia.
The comparison is understandable on the surface and yet betrays any meaningful parallel upon further investigation. When it comes to Elvis Presley, our memory of him is intimately related to our experience with him during his lifetime - first, as a heterosexual sex symbol and later, as the all-to-predictable relic of fame and fortune in his social isolation and drug addiction. As we begin to remember Michael Jackson, our nostalgia is far more complicated.
Though Michael Jackson began his public career in a predictable enough manner - a child star who successfully transitioned into young adult star - his life soon took a drastic turn. Where Elvis was accepted into the public consciousness and valued, in part, because of his sexuality, the sexuality of Michael Jackson was more complex and even disturbing.
A male performer who wears makeup and speaks in a high, effeminate voice is received as bizarre - take Prince, for example - but this presentation does not necessarily cross into disturbing territory. When Michael Jackson's questionable sexuality appeared to go beyond makeup and effeminacy into the realm of alleged assaults on children, everything changed. Though he was never convicted of any sexual abuse charges against him, guilt by association forever haunted him.
The ultimate effect of his acquittal in the sexual abuse cases was to usher in greater doubt about his guilt - if fans really wanted to like him and admire his genius, the acquittals allowed some room for doubt about what really happened. In other words, we didn't have to feel as conflicted about liking him once he was let off the hook.
I heard a woman today report how sad she felt about his death, but I am convinced that many other mourners feel more torn than that. Yes, it is tragic when anyone dies of unnatural causes and does so prematurely, but don't his death and presence plastered all over the media recall the more disturbing images and events of the various sexual allegations and the trials that covered them? Without these allegations and trials, wouldn't our feelings of grief for him be more pure?
On a psychological level, the only comparison we can make about the lives and deaths of Michael Jackson and Elvis Presley relates to the twisted and depersonalizing impact enormous fame can have on a human being. Yet once we begin to switch our focus from their lives to our reactions to their deaths, we see the final difference. In the end, our conflicted feelings remind us of the difference between pure and contaminated nostalgia.
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